Dear Sam
pamelamyers | January 9, 2011
Dearest Samantha,
My sweet little girl. You are asleep right now, tucked up into your crib, hopefully dreaming about your day and smiling. Every night before I go to bed I check on you, did you know that?, and last night when I stood over you watching you breathe deeply in your sleep, you smiled. You were sleeping so I know you were not smiling at me, but I hope you were dreaming of me and everyone you love and who loves you. There is no better way to wake in the morning than seeing your face, your toothy little grin, peering at me over the side of your crib. You are so happy to see me, to know that we are starting another day together. No matter how tired I may be, your excitement, your joy, at what you are sure you will find each day, makes me glad to be awake with you and so very happy to be there, at that moment, sharing it with you.
I had such a wonderful weekend with you, my little one. You were sweet and smiley and just perfectly you. You make every day a good one. You are such a big girl now, a toddler, not a baby anymore, but it is hard to believe, even when I am looking at you. I still think of you as my baby girl. It seems like just yesterday that you fit “just so” into one arm, that I could hold you with your butt in my hand and your little feet nestled into my lap. Now you are so big that when I sit with you the way I used to, cradling you while you ready yourself for sleep, I can’t even settle you into my arm without your tiny, kicky feet pushing and reaching for the sky or hanging over the edge of the chair.
You are so independent and adventurous and sometimes willful. But at the same time, you still cling to me so fiercely, my needy mommy’s girl. Although maybe I should discourage you, I just can’t. Because I love seeing you scampering along behind me when I leave the room, reaching, reaching for me with your little arms, please, please pick me up, and wrapping yourself so tightly around my neck, pulling your legs up so you are a small little ball in my embrace. Sometimes you hug me so close that I wonder if you are trying to climb back inside. And sometimes I wish that you could. That I could reclaim the time when you were all mine. When it was just you and me. When I was all that you knew, all that you needed, the only one you depended on. I know that Daddy and I are the center of your world, but sometimes I do miss being your everything. I miss it because I know that as each year goes by, you will need me a little less, and you will depend on yourself a little more. This is a good thing, your independence, but it is hard to accept.
You are becoming your own little person now, and I am so glad that I am privileged to see that happen. To see your sense of humor, your intelligence, your ingenuity, your compassion, even your temper and your stubborn streak. You are such an amazing little girl. I couldn’t have asked for more, and in fact, you are more than I ever dreamed. You make me laugh, you make me sigh with contentment, you even frustrate me and make me mad, but you never make me sad, you never make me cry. I am many things, not all of them good, but you, Samantha, you are the best part of me. You are the answer to my dreams, my miracle. I tell you that you are these things not because I want you to feel you have to live up to anything, but because I want you to know how very wanted you always were, and how very wanted you are. I am so proud to be your Mommy.
Tonight I will look in on you again and watch your little face in sleep and think about how precious you are, and how lucky I am that you are there in your crib, my baby mine. And I can’t wait to see your grin in the morning, to share your joy, and to tell you how very much I love you.
